Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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