The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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