We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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