Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
