Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
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