He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
