RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
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