I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Randomize
