when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
bring money and cleavage
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Randomize
