i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
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