I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Randomize
