You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
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