I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize