I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
im calling her cock vulture from now on
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Randomize
