She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
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