It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
Randomize
