I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Randomize
