So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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