uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Randomize
