I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Randomize
