i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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