soooo we both peed the bed last night...
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Randomize
