Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Randomize
