Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Randomize
