Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
