Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
We left an ass print on the piano.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Randomize
