the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Randomize
