Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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