I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Randomize