i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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