You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Randomize
