Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
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