I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
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