party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
Sober January is a disaster.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
