Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
