wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
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