I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
Randomize