I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Randomize
