I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Randomize
