I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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