So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
Randomize
