just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
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