I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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