i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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