you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Randomize