I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
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