in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
The dick lei will go down in squad history
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
