dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
