Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
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