so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I smell like Dick and happiness
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