so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
