Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
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