I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Randomize
