The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
