mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Randomize
