You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
We were destined to go to rehab together
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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