I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
