My friends, they love my intelligence
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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